Life Coaching

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear is a prevalent part of our day to day lives. If we aren't living in it, we know someone else that may be, and it can sometimes be the thing that controls whether we take the leap or we don't. I came across this topic this morning, as I was listening to Mel Robbins - Take Control of Your Life, and she talks about perfectionist in this part of the audiobook. How perfection, and the fear of not being perfect in our production of something can mean actually we never ever take that leap of faith, because it paralyses us. It sparked something in me that I wanted to write about it so here I am.

Fear is a prevalent part of our day to day lives. If we aren’t living in it, we know someone else that may be, and it can sometimes be the thing that controls whether we take the leap or we don’t. I came across this topic this morning, as I was listening to Mel Robbins – Take Control of Your Life, and she talks about perfectionist in this part of the audiobook. How perfection, and the fear of not being perfect in our production of something can mean actually we never ever take that leap of faith, because it paralyses us. It sparked something in me that I wanted to write about it so here I am.

Imagine Neil Armstrong never took that leap to be the first man on the moon out of fear? It’s crazy to think that our fears can be SO powerful that they stop us from doing the things we potentially want to the most. It’s that knot wrenching feeling when you are about to take that leap, its the feeling of discomfort, it’s that feeling of not being good enough or being rejected, so you take a little step back because it’s more comfortable that way. It’s exactly the same as overcoming things such as mental health – it’s scary, because in the process you need to uncover alllllll these things you didn’t realise were affecting you.. but on the other side when you understand it all, your triggers, your pain points and create an understanding of how you can deal with them, then actually you are MUCH stronger, even though that journey is very painful. Fear normally comes from a situation you have faced previously that has left you with a unwanted mark, and unwanted feeling and behaviour you never want to feel again. When it happens your cortisol levels rise for about 90 seconds you have the opportunity to decide whether you are going to face that thing or you are not. It might take you a few attempts. But imagine this… the very thing you are fearing right now about making that next change in your life… imagine you didn’t face it? Imagine you didn’t create that life you wanted, speak to the person you wanted to tell them how you feel, apply for that job, speak up and show your ideas to your boss, pick up the phone and say sorry to someone, take that course, move to that city…. the list goes on… but just imagine… how would you feel if in 5 years time you didn’t take that leap right now to face that fear? One thing we have to focus on is not allowing your fear to take away your power.

Admitting your fear – it’s vulnerable. It can cripple you, and make you feel inadequate. Have you identified a fear? Everybody faces fear to some level, even the most powerful people in the world. So the acronym FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. Most are fears are from evidence that caused pain in us when we were about 6 or 8 years old… Madness or a traumatic experience that you have gone through. Fear of failing and fear of embarrassment I think are super strong ones with most people. Listening through Mel’s podcast this morning took me back to a couple of things that stimulate on of my old fears – and also to an extent something that still causes me great discomfort, the fear of being ridiculed and being wrong, there bringing on a fear of asking for help. This goes WAY back to my childhood days, and something I speak about in my books, but a moment that is probably emphasised in my mind, but something that tormented me for a while, but didn’t come out till I had therapy for my eating disorder. After raising my hand in the classroom at 6 years old to ask for help, my teacher told me to not ask such stupid questions in front of the entire classroom. So firstly… you can imagine the shame, and you can imagine the laughs from all the other children surrounding me. I was 6 years old, how many 6 year olds ask enquiring questions? And how great is it that they want to enquire that what they are doing is correct? Fast forward 20 years… I was on an athletics course, and I remember messaging my mum after to say, “you will never guess what, I disagreed with something today on the course, and I knew I had 2 options, to sit still and allow the person to think they were right, or I raise my hand and put my point across… I raised my hand and validated my point, and guess what they agreed, and everyone else around me agreed with my point.” Can you imagine the backflips my stomach was taking while I raised my hand to this? OMG it was insane. My school reports every year said, “Jayne doesn’t contribute enough”, “Jayne doesn’t apply herself”, “Jayne needs to ask for help when she needs it”… I never ever did ask for help, even now, if I need support it’s deliberated over for a while before I reach out. Which is why writing a book and putting entire vulnerable self out there was SUPER scary. The day my book went to live, I was so nervous to hear about peoples views on it. You are setting yourself up to be torn down when you do that. But it proved to me that I was capable of being academic, and that prove to me that I had become a much stronger person. I felt the fear and I did it anyway.

Don’t let anyone else dictate your fears. I have been doing lots of reading recently as you have probably seen on my instagram, regarding personality types, and I have had many a giggle along the way, but this has enabled me to judge my personality more in different scenarios. I am VERY yellow – more yellow than I ever thought. But yellows can be the sort of personality that if you can’t please everyone or someone doesn’t like what you do, and they make it clear, you can take a real offence to it and want to ensure they do whatever it takes to please – something I need to work on and have been. So this leads me onto some fears, and why I am back. As many of you have messaged me to ask where I am on social media, and its been super nice to see me back on there which is lovely. Openly as I said in find your power blog 2 weeks ago – I have been living in the present and trying not to live through social media. I have found happiness and peace in life, with my home life and my job which is absolutely adore and has inspired me to be even more creative here. A lot of people have a fear of posting authenticity because of a fear that their life isn’t perfect but SO what if your life is or isn’t perfect, we would ALL rather see authenticity rather than the non real life. I used to be super open, honest and authentic as possible, but then something happened last summer that caused me to be embarrassed about my past, and think am I over sharing. Mostly a relation to my “history”. I was aware of any post I posted that it may of been ripped to pieces, and trolled, that the thing I was trying so hard to not be ashamed about and open up about was the one thing that was holding me back. The reason I started on social media in the first place was to try and help others overcome their past. Every-time I went to post, i’d always have a think do I want to post it, and I’d even go back through and delete if I thought was too much – ridiculous right. The thing I had been building up for so long – GONE! The community I had started to create GONE. Then one evening last October, I was out for dinner with a friend in the city and my boyfriend was working late, so I decided to stay on my own for a drink and do some work, while I waited for Ben to finish. A girl approached me across the room (I won’t say her name but she knows who she is) and said, “I know this is so random, but are you Jayne Nisbet, I recognise you, and I follow you on instagram. I just wanted to say thank you. You have inspired me to overcome my issues, and I ran my first half marathon 2 weeks ago, something I never thought I would do. Your daily videos inspire me, and I miss them. I hope you are okay.” This rang through me like a wake up call… The one thing I love doing is supporting and helping others to find their power, and there and then I was slowly losing mine. I missed writing, and I missed being creative. My boyfriend Ben, then reminded me. The reason I do these posts and the reason I write these blogs is that I want to help others overcome some of the things I may of gone through or or even currently going through. Which is exactly why I started.

SO here we are and here I am facing some of the fears again… So lets face the fears together…. What is it you are fearing at the moment?
Is it a fear of insecurity because of work? A fear of not being good enough? A fear of being rejected?

What do you want to achieve? What is stopping you? Messages on a postcard…. but let’s create a community together that enables us all to talk about those fears and work through them together… a problem shared is a problem halved right?

Head over to instagram: http://www.intagram.com/jaynenisbet and I will direct you to my Find Your Power Instagram Page which will be my little community.

All my love,

Jayne

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